


I Need You Here Always

by Mercedesbt1224



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Friends to Lovers, Graphic flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, Jim Has Issues, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Tarsus IV, t’hy’la
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-08
Updated: 2018-08-08
Packaged: 2019-06-24 01:45:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15619758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mercedesbt1224/pseuds/Mercedesbt1224
Summary: Jim can usually handle his Tarsus memories, but with the 20th anniversary of Tarsus coming up he is slowly losing his composure as his past comes back to haunt him. Spock only wants to help Jim but Jim is reluctant to let Spock see his dark past. They need each other. Will Jim's trauma bring them together? or keep them a part?The story of Jim learning to let himself be loved, and love in return





	I Need You Here Always

The wind was whipping past Jim’s ears as he sped down the highway. The police sirens screamed in his ears as his father’s vintage car barrelled towards the cliff. Jim new he was going to die, but he found that he didn’t care. He knew he didn’t want to go home to a lack of messages from his mom and Franks bruising hands. Now that Sam was gone what did Jim have to live for? The cliff was fast approaching now, and Jim’s heart was hammering in his chest. Jim knew he had to make his decision now. Live or die. The second the car went over the cliff Jim had his decision made for him as his instincts kicked in and he jumped out of the car. He hit hard, unforgiving dirt and was instantly filled with shame. He was useless, he couldn’t even commit suicide right.

Jim loved the enterprise with all his heart. Bones always said that Jim was married to his silver lady, and Jim couldn’t honestly disagree. The ship felt alive under his fingertips. It was the only place he’d ever called home. As Jim walked down the hallway of his ship he passed pleasant smiles with the crew. Jim prided himself on being an approachable captain and the effects of his positive attitude showed in the efficiency reports. As Jim approached his quarters he took a moment to smooth his hair down, then he immediately scoffed at himself. Why was he trying to look good for a simple chess game? Shaking off the thought he walked into his quarters with an easy smile.  
“hey Spock” Jim said as he eyed the man setting up the chessboard  
“good evening Jim, I trust your shift was adequate?” Spock said as he glanced up at Jim  
“oh you know… same old stuff as always. Ensign Torena sliced her thumb open with a letter opener but other than that the shift was uneventful as always”  
“this is the third incident this month with ensign Torena. Perhaps she is not ready for a bridge position after all.” Spock suggested as Jim sat down on the other side of the chess board  
“yeah maybe you’re right… I hate demoting people but honestly, she’s a hazard. Anyway, lets not talk about this. I already got the same talk from Bones”  
A look passed through Spocks chocolate eyes but was quickly replaced with his usual stoic expression “I’m assuming you had lunch with McCoy today then?” Spock asked.  
“yeah, I would’ve invited you, but you were in the labs” Jim replied as if sensing his illogical pang of jealousy  
“it is of no consequence. Your move Jim” Spock said gesturing to the chess board. Minutes flew by in comfortable silence and Jim was beyond grateful for Spock. Lately he had felt like he was drowning. Four years onto the five-year mission and with the anniversary of Tarsus approaching Jim felt the usual signs of depression closing in on him. Of course, bones had noticed and was watching Jim like a hawk. Jim didn’t know if Spock had realized but Spock didn’t know about Tarsus. Jim thought of telling Spock as he was Jim’s best friend next to bones, but the idea horrified him. What if Spock was disgusted with Jim? What if Spock couldn’t stomach the idea of Jim’s doings. Jim had killed on Tarsus. He had sold his body for food, he had stolen, killed, and hurt to save his kids. Would Spock be able to look at him?  
“Jim.” Spocks voice pulled Jim from his thoughts  
“you have been staring at the floor for the past 3.9 minutes. Is something wrong?” Spock asked, concern in his voice  
“I’m fine Spock. Just tired” Jim replied automatically  
“Jim, I believe you are lying. In the past week you have smiled 23.9% less, and you are displaying physical signs of fatigue and distress.” Spock said without taking his eyes off Jim. Anger bubbled inside of Jim. He was sick of people monitoring him like some child. He stood abruptly.  
“it’s time for you to go Spock. I’m tired.” Jim said, unhidden coldness laced in his voice. Pain passed quickly through Spocks eyes, but he stood quietly and stepped closer to Jim. His face was only inches from Jim’s now.  
“why do you refuse to let people help you?” Spock said quietly, his gaze piercing into Jim’s blue eyes.  
“Get. Out. Now.” Jim said in a low growl, his voice shaking slightly. Spock pursed his lips, turned on his heel, and left through their adjoining bathroom without another word. The second Spock was gone Jim sat down shakily. He exhaled slowly, calming his racing heart. If Jim hadn’t been so furious he would have been thrilled to have been only inches from Spocks face. Close enough to kiss. However, Jim wasn’t thinking about his raging crush on Spock, he was focused on the sense of regret rising in Jim. Spock had only been trying to help yet Jim had sent him away.  
“fuck” Jim said to his empty quarters. Jim realized he really was tired though, so he changed into blue pyjama bottoms and a black tee. He flopped into his bed and stared at the chess board, abandoned half way through the game. He knew sleep wouldn’t come easily to him tonight and after two hours of failed attempts at rest, he finally fell into sleep.

She was screaming. Why wouldn’t she stop screaming? Jim wanted to tell her to shut up. The two guards had her arms and she kicked uselessly into the air, all the while she was screaming.  
“this one’s feisty! She’s got such a pretty face… shame we have to kill her” one guard said as he used the hand that wasn’t gripped on her arm to stroke her face. The girl bit into the guards’ hand and the guard slapped her hard  
“you stupid little bitch. I’ll make sure you suffer for that!” the guard growled. Jim watched in horror from his hiding place as the guards began to grope her body. The girl couldn’t have been older than twelve and the guards groped at her flat chest and tore the skirt from her body. Jim was shaking in fear. He couldn’t help her. Jim felt useless. As the guards reached for her underwear Jim knew with sudden force what he had to do. He picked up his phaser which he knew only had enough energy for one shot and took aim. Tears slid down his dirt caked face as he pressed a trembling finger to the trigger. When he fired, it didn’t miss. The girl stopped screaming immediately and the guards jumped to attention, drawing out their weapons. They wouldn’t find Jim from up in his hiding place in a tree, but Jim wasn’t worried about being caught. His eyes were trained on the lifeless body of the girl. He knew he had to kill her. He had saved her from pain. That didn’t change the fact that Jim was a murderer.  
The dream changed suddenly. He was chained in a cell. His body was frail and thin. He had stopped feeling hungry which he was happy about. He knew it meant his organs were shutting down, but Jim welcomed the idea of death gladly. Three guards entered the room suddenly. Jim didn’t have the energy to lift his head from the floor, but his eyes followed the guard’s movements. Someone else entered behind the guards. An elderly man dressed in red sweeping robes. His eyes were cold as he stared at Jim’s tiny body. Kodos.  
“let’s not do useless small talk James Tiberius Kirk. I will make it clear why I am hear and why you are still alive. I am not a selfish man James. I am prepared to offer you a comfortable life in exchange for the location of the 23 children you have been protecting from their ordered death. If you refuse we will torture you until you tell us or until you die. The choice is yours James” Kodos said carelessly.  
“I… will never… tell you.” Jim whispered through gasping breaths. He knew at least three ribs must be broken for speaking to hurt this badly.  
“for now, you may believe that. Let’s see if my guards can loosen your tongue.” Kodos said matter-of-factly then he turned and left Jim with the guards. the guards took no time getting Jim strapped face first into a pole. Jim’s breaths were ragged, and his heart pounded. The only reminder that he was still alive.  
“where have you hidden the children?” the guard asked  
“rot in hell” Jim said through gritted teeth. A whip flew through the air and hit Jim with a resonating crack. Jim bit back a cry as his flesh screamed. The whip hit him again.  
“Where are the children?” the guard asked again. Jim simply shook his head. The whip hit him again and tears slid down his face. Still he bit back his cries of pain. The whip hit him again, and again the guard asked him, and again Jim didn’t answer. The guard whipped him again, and again, and again, and again. A scream was building in his throat and Jim didn’t know how much longer he could hold it in. There was a pause as the guard pulled the whip back again, preparing to strike as hard as he could. When the whip hit his back again the pain was unlike anything he’d ever imagined. He screamed.

Jim was still screaming as he woke up. He was screaming with fear so real it was like ice through his veins. The pain of the whip was gone but the fear… was beyond real. Jim was having a full-blown panic attack now. He toppled from his bed and curled into a ball on the floor. The was sobbing and screaming all at once. He didn’t even hear the door to his quarters swish open from the shared bathroom. Jim was clawing at his skin, trying to scrape the fear from himself. When warm hands forced his fingernails away from his skin he jumped in shock. Jim looked up and saw Spocks fearful face looking into his eyes.  
“Jim! Jim look at me! It’s alright you are safe” Jim’s screaming subsided, but his sobbing didn’t stop. Spock was holding onto Jim’s hands tightly, stopping him from clawing at his skin. Jim gripped Spocks wrists with all his strength.  
“listen to my voice Jim. Listen to me. You are safe. You are on the enterprise ship which you captain. You are in your quarters, you are not in danger. Listen to me Jim. Do you understand?” Spock said firmly but quietly.  
“Sp-hic-o-ock?” Jim hiccupped between sobs.  
“yes, Jim it’s me, Spock. Your first officer… your friend” Spock released Jim’s hands and wrapped his arms around Jim’s trembling body. Jim latched onto Spocks shoulders.  
“breathe Jim. Breathe. Listen to my breathing, try to match it.” Spock said as he began to take deep breaths. Jim tried to do the same and after several minutes Jim’s sobbing subsided. Reluctantly Jim released Spocks shoulders and Spock let go of Jim and sat back on his knees.  
“are you alright now Jim?” Spock asked quietly as if not to scare Jim.  
“I-I’m okay now… thank you.” Jim wouldn’t meet Spocks eyes out of pure shame.  
“Jim. Look at me. You do not need to thank me.” Spock said. Jim finally met his gaze then looked down at his hands in embarrassment. He realized with a jolt that his fingers were coated in blood.  
“you are injured. You were mutilating yourself” Spock said as he took Jim’s hands into his own  
“if you are calm enough to stand let us go to the washroom to deal with your injuries.” Jim nodded, and Spock stood, offering out his hand to help Jim up. They walked to the bathroom slowly, as Jim’s legs were shaky and weak. Jim sat down on the toilet seat as Spock got the medical kit from the cabinet. Jim took off his blood-soaked pyjama shirt and tensed in fear at the idea of Spock seeing his scars up close. He had been shirtless in front of Spock before, but his scars were hardly discernible from afar. Up close, however, Jim’s scars could be nothing but scars from a whip. Spock moved close to Jim holding a disinfectant spray in his hand he looked at Jim’s back and shock crossed his face. Much to Jim’s surprise Spock was suddenly kneeling beside him. He reached out and touched Jim’s back, not where Jim had clawed himself but instead where whip marks had healed into long ugly stripes.  
“Who did this to you Jim?” Spocks voice was barely a whisper and his touch was feather light. The look of pain on Spocks face was shocking to Jim. Jim swallowed loudly  
“you really don’t want to know Spock. You’ll never look at me the same if I tell you” Jim said, not making eye contact.  
“Jim, I understand now may not be the ideal time to tell you this, but I must… Jim you are my thy’la. Nothing you could tell me would ever change how deeply I care for you” Jim’s mouth opened in surprise. He had heard that word before when he took Vulcan studies back at the academy. He knew what it meant. He knew how powerful it was  
“y-you love me?” Jim hated how pathetic he sounded but he needed to know. Jim needed to be sure that Spock was telling him that the feelings Jim had Spock returned.  
“yes Jim. I love thee. I had meant to tell you when you were feeling better than you have been this month but perhaps it was a mistake to wait this long to tell you. I planned to tell you tonight during chess but…” Spock didn’t need to remind Jim of their interaction. Jim couldn’t resist pulling Spock into his arms. He radiated joy.  
“please Jim, tell me the story behind these scars” Spock said as he placed a warm hand of the jagged skin. Jim pulled out of the hug and looked Spock in the eyes, beautiful, emotional, un-Vulcan brown eyes.  
“okay… Spock have you ever heard of Tarsus?” Jim could see the gears turning in Spocks head as the thought of the word. Realization dawned on his face as he gave Jim a solemn nod.  
“when I was twelve I was arrested. Instead of jail I was sent to Tarsus to live with my aunt and uncle. At first it was great. I got away from my unloving mother and my abusive step-dad Frank who would beat me… but he also raped me. Tarsus was great… at first. Then the famine came and Kodos ordered half of the population to be killed. I was on the kill list, but I escaped. Along with 23 children. I protected them Spock. I did everything I could to keep them alive. Everything” Jim paused as tears began to well in his eyes. Spock brought a hand to Jim’s cheek and wiped away an escaped tear  
“well I stole what I could to feed the kids, but 23 mouths are a lot to feed. We were dying. So, I found guards who I could sell my body to for food, which was degrading but obviously necessary. I killed too Spock. There was this girl… I saw two guards raping her. The phaser I stole off a body only had one shot left in it, so I couldn’t kill the guards. I killed her Spock. She looked like she was only ten or eleven and I murdered her.” Jim paused again and looked back to Spock whose eyes were wide. Spocks hand was still on Jim’s cheek and Spock stroked his thumb over his cheekbone.  
“please continue ashaya” Spock urged softly  
“so, months went by and even with the stealing and my prostitution we were still dying and… and… eventually I was captured. Just me. I made sure they didn’t get my kids. And Kodos kept me alive. Promised me food and comfort in exchange for me telling the location of the kids. I refused. Kodos moved to other methods of getting me to talk. Torture. Hence the scars on my back. That was a guard and a whip who did that. They hooked me up to this machine that triggered the pain center of my brain. Didn’t leave a mark on me but it was the worst pain imaginable. It made the whipping seem like a gentle massage” Jim laughed without any humour in it  
“I won’t go on about the different ways they tortured me but basically everywhere underneath my clothes there’s scars. I never gave in though. They never found my kids. And when Starfleet came I found out that out of the 23 kids 19 survived. You might be wondering why this is an issue tonight. It’s because in two days it’s the 20th anniversary of tarsus. 20 years Spock. Yet I’m still so broken.” Jim’s last sentence came out as a whisper that only Vulcan ears would be able to hear. A minute of silence stretched between them then finally Spock spoke.  
“Jim you are the farthest from broken I was ever seen. You are hurting and raw, but you are also resilient. You have gone through a world of pain yet come out so strong. So strong my thy’la. You did what you could with the awful situation and yet managed to save 19 lives. 19 people who are living today because of your strength. I am pleased you told me your story Jim. I believe I understand you much better now. I want you to understand that if you so desire I will spend my life making you understand how strong you are. How deserving of love you are. How much I love you.” Jim felt as though his heart would burst with love  
“I love you Spock. I’ve loved you for so long” Jim said  
“then allow me to help you” Spock said, finally pulling his gaze from Jim’s face and back onto his injuries. After cleaning and bandaging Jim’s scratches he lead Jim back into his quarters and helped him into bed. Jim felt a million years old and exhausted beyond belief  
“I need you to know that I’m not fixed now Spock. And… if you really do want to be with me then you need to know this might happen again” Jim said as he pulled the blankets around himself.  
“Jim you must understand that I wish to be here for you throughout the good times and the bad times. I wish to be here for you forever.”  
“then… please stay with me? I need you here tonight. Actually, not just tonight. I need you here always.” Jim said, heat rising to his cheeks. Spock didn’t hesitate or ask questions. He simply climbed into bed next to Jim and pulled him close. They lay face to face, arms wrapped around each other. Jim suddenly understood how right this was. How perfect it was. He leaned forward, closing the gap between their faces and kissed Spock softly. It was gentle and undemanding. There would be time for passion and desire later, for now Jim only needed Spocks arms around him and his lips against Jim’s. that was all Spock needed as well.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all for reading! this is my first fic! please let me know if you enjoyed it and if you want to see a sequel with smut of not!


End file.
